Karenney

I have never felt this way before…. Truly and completely alone in a place far far far away from home. I have never been this far away from home before…. i can’t call them whenever I want, I have my own problems to deal with and it was so hard to find a place to live….sigh…. and in such a short amount of time…. Good that JY is letting me live with him for a couple days and then I can move to the service apartment. I heard it’s very close to work and it’s within walking distance also. That’s good I guess. I start working tomorrow and I’m a little scared. I’m excited and scared a little but I know it’ll be ok. I had lunch with Uncle Erwin and his family today. His two little kids remind me so much of my little babies back home and I miss them so so much. I have only cried 3 times ever since I got here and it was all in one day. The first day I was here, I was so busy for 6 hours right after I got here that the loneliness hasn’t hit me that far yet, until I was in the hotel room by myself, after I finished all the things I had to do, I realized I’m truly on my own for 5 weeks. Everytime I come back to the hotel room and I’m surrounded by the emptiness and the absolute quiet that I have to turn on the TV just so there are sounds in the room and makes me feel a tiny bit better. I lost the feelings to hangout with friends, to go around and shop, to go find street food to eat, I can’t even eat here….The thought of my parents spending so much money just so I can come here makes me super jew about spending money. Day 1, I spent 500 on deposit of hotel, 100 on octupus card until whenever it runs out, and 50 on an umbrella at 7-11 cuz it was raining and I totally forgot to bring an umbrella. Then I spend 6.5 on bread for lunch but I didn’t eat it until dinner time. Day 2, I only spent 11 on two bottles of grape juice. Day 3, I only spent 10 on bread that lasted me a couple meals and today I spent 9 on two soy milk drinks. Everytime my mom calls me and tell me to go out and eat some good food, I don’t want to. But I don’t want her to worry about me so I tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll just wait til the next day. My biggest goal right now is to use less than the money I make in this month so the deficit isn’t as big. The day before I leave, I’m going to buy a shit load of snacks to bring home to my sisters. Ever since I left Wednesday night, on the plane and ever since I got here, I have had no appetite. I can’t even eat a third of what I can usually eat back in LA. I haven’t felt hungry for a really long time and I can tell I’m loosing weight and my stomach is getting more and more concave in. I’m guessing it’s a good thing but I know it’s unhealthy… Before i came here, I found out I was on the border line of underweight and healthy. I was healthy but then if I loose more than 3 lbs, I would be considered underweight. I’m pretty sure I’m underweight now even though it’s not that obvious. Compared to some of the girls here, I’m just average. Not skinny like them. But it’s ok because it’s not like I don’t eat and starve myself. I eat when I’m hungry and I don’t eat when I’m not hungry. Being a loner like me…. is not fun. I don’t want to go anywhere to eat by myself and I don’t wana go shop by myself. And everytime I’m alone, I think about my family and my friends back in LA and what they would be doing. Although I’m sure whatever they’re doing, they’re not alone. I remember when I was leaving my house, Emma cried. At the time, I didn’t think it was worth her crying because she gets to stay home, but now, I’m the one who’s always crying or wanting to cry. I have no shoulder here to lean on and no one to wipe away my tears and hug me when I’m lonely. I have always wanted to come back to HK, even just for a month, but who knew when I’m actually here, I miss LA more than I miss HK when I’m in LA. The only time I was a little happy was when I finally met Gavin and his family after such a longass time. I really thought dinner with his whole family was going to be awkward but it wasn’t. We talked about a lot of stuff and when I went home with them after, they were all trying to help me find a place to live. They’re so nice to me…. Gavin even walked me down and took a taxi with me to the MTR and walked back home. He changed quite a bit as the little boy that I hung out with every weekend. He always opens the door for me and lets me go first even though I don’t care about those stuff and he offers to come with me and look for places to live cuz it’s safer like that. I always thought it would be awkward when we finally meet after so many years. And it seemed like everything he did just reminded me of Vince. When he offered me to go with me and stuff, I just wanted Vince to go with me… I don’t want anyone else to go with me and give others the thought that Gavin’s my bf. I’m really jealous of all those couples that I see in the MTR, in the malls, everywhere. I’m always like this… When I’m alone and I see couples, I become so envious and wish my bf is here also… Maybe it’s cuz i’m the type who is super scared of being lonely. I just miss LA so much….not that I don’t like HK, I just wish….Sandy or Vince or someone I know is here with me :( I can’t wait for this month to pass by already…